I have written a little bit about my food situation and my weight on this blog. I have been on my own for almost a year and things that I put on the back burner are starting to boil over a little bit and I feel like I need to pay attention to them.

When my ex moved out of the house and I got to control my own food, I thought that I would lose the twenty or so pounds that I put on the last few years of our marriage. The marriage was going badly and I had started programming, which basically consumed my entire life. I figured after he left I would be able to eat the way I wanted to and that the weight would gradually come off.

The weight has not come off. It has been stubbornly hanging around. I have been somewhat passively trying to eat healthier. I cook my own food, which is usually things like chicken that are made up of lean protein and a lot of veggies.

I joined a gym a year ago, but I haven’t been able to go regularly. I would go once or twice, then I would basically become exhausted for weeks afterward. I didn’t get tired the day I went, I would just feel horrible and shaky for weeks afterward. I tried to push through it but I just kept feeling worse.

I know at this point it sounds like I am in terrible shape. I can walk all day and feel fine. I did that while I was out here in San Jose. I take a long vigorous walk each day when I need to clear my head and I don’t have the weird sweating or heavy breathing or heart pounding that you tend to get when you are horribly overweight or out of shape.

I think that my body right now is in a state of shock over everything that has been going on the last few years and, for lack of a better explanation, my code base is fragile. I can’t add new things to my life without my body completely freaking out. I wrote about having my conference plague that wouldn’t end and I can feel it giving out on me.

I don’t really know what to do. I am in trouble and I don’t know how to fix it.

I talked to Jaimee Newberry and she said that every time I talk to her, I am stressing out about being fired. I am constantly freaking out that I am letting someone down or not living up to what I need to be doing. I have been perpetually doing this since 2012.

Back in 2014 I had a few months where I basically never left my bed. I would get up, program all day, and basically drink from noon onward.

I have been abusing my body trying to catch up to where I think I am supposed to be and I just need to prioritize figuring out how to feel better. I am tired of feeling stressed out all the time. I am tired of feeling chubby and not really knowing what to do with it. I am tried of drinking every night because it is the only way I have to signal my brain that this is when my day is over. I am tired of being too mentally and physically exhausted to go to the gym and run because I actually like running. I would like to be able to do it regularly without causing a system-wide crash.

I need to figure out how to restructure my life. I need to find some other way to relax that doesn’t involve me automatically drinking wine every night because it’s the only way I can tell my brain to stop working. I am very ritualistically oriented. I have to brew my tea every morning before I start working because it’s the way I tell my brain it’s time to work. I need to find another solution for telling my brain when work is over.

I need to stop stressing about getting fired. I am not saying that I should assume I never will, it’s just that the perpetual worry about it is causing me a lot of problems.

I need to figure this out. I am poisoning myself and I can’t keep doing this.

The first step towards fixing a problem is to acknowledge that it exists. I need to make a plan to figure out how I am going to incrementally fix myself. I learned programming and worked on two books and I have been able to do a lot of amazing shit. I can do anything I put my mind to. I can do this. I just need some help.